The list of things - I have no friends.

I often feel like I have no friends, at least no REAL friends. Like the ones you can call in the middle of the night and they won’t yell at you? Or they will yell just a little bit and then agree to talk to you if you buy them an ice-cream. I have always wanted that – I-trade-anything-for-an-ice-cream kind of. Oh, and friends that you can fart in front of friendship. No idea if such a friends really exists.

So anyway, in my longing for a best friend, I have researched the internet and tried to find some girls that I could meet (like lonely hearts but for friends). I felt like a pervert just looking at the profiles, reading their messages. What the hell is wrong with me? But I really am looking for a girl my age that shares at least some of my world views (agnostic, animal lover – not in the gross way, no extreme opinions on anything…). See? And that is actually the problem I was talking about – I cannot even describe myself in a parenthesis that may be as long as I wish them to be – I have to leave it unfinished, undefined, vague. Who would want to become a best friend to THAT? And I don’t think I am empty inside, I just have no radical views on the world that I could share with a possible “friend”. I have no idea why I used quotes for the word friend. Maybe I am secretly afraid that some pervert will contact me and demand to be my friend while (s)he tries to poison me or steal my boyfriend (especially fun if it is a he) or something like that.

So while on my search for a best (or real or whatever you may call it) friend, I have stumbled across the problem of not being able to describe myself. One day psychologist will have a name for that kind of issue, if they don’t already.  So I have decided that I will at least try to form a list of things I would like people to know about me – things that I am most proud of but cannot just “by the way” them into a conversation. Yep, I used “by the way” as a verb, I can do that – I have a superpower. It’s called being a foreigner. So anyway here is the list:

• I am a Top Commenter on 9gag – I seriously have no idea how did I achieve that and I am fairly convinced it has been a mistake; nonetheless, this achievement has really made me feel like the internet accepted me, even loved me. Before I thought internet just wanted to be friends, now I know that it wants a deep, romantic and highly sexual relationship with me.
• I write blogs under my real name in my country and actually get recognized sometimes – I mean, even if you were from my country, you would probably have no idea who I am. But it happens, on occasion, that somebody tells me: “Oh hey! You’re that blogger, aren’t you?” I have no idea what happens next as I usually run away, afraid that they are going to punch me in the face.
• I have once came in 3^rd in an agility dog competition – and I say this because I am quite bad at anything requiring physical skills and/or believing in yourself and having authority and for this I needed troth (that’s both when there’s three things – my foreign superpower). I actually fell down pretty badly and hurt both of my knees as I tripped over my dog, so I think they gave me the 3^rd place more out of pity but I got a T-shirt for it and I wear it proudly.
• I had learned French and completely forgot it all – I mean, I know, that this is not a good thing but I am quite proud to say that I spent a whole year going to private lessons and now, five years later, I do not remember a single thing. I remember more from my high-school Latin than I do from French. And I think it may be some kind of a record to forget a language completely. And I mean completely when I say it. I can just stare at those French faces and not understand a single word. Oh, and also, I used to have a theory about French – that it is only English words pronounced with a lot of accent and in a strange way. I know, I know, I am an ignorant person. Sorry, frog-eaters, sorry.
• I have lived in Germany and did not go to jail – I consider this a great achievement. As I studied there, I absolutely adored the country. However, around mid-semester, some other foreign student informed me that downloading TV series is highly illegal there and people get fined, kicked out of university and can even go to jail! By that time, I had already downloaded all seasons of the Office (there were 8 back then), Modern Family, new season of How I met your mother and also all new episodes of Big Bang Theory. I spent the rest of the semester not using the internet in my room and really afraid that the German police will kick in the door and arrest me for my terrible crimes. No such thing happened but I really read a lot.
• I have successfully lived in London – and I have only been sexually harassed by my boss like three or four times. Of course, I quit that job and got another one, in which the boss liked my friend more and gave me the worst shifts. I have lived in a shared house in a bad neighborhood in a garage that was turned into a small room. We had mice, a large selection of different insects, a woman who tried to make me convert to Islam and a really small backyard.
• I have lost 11 pounds (5 kilos) and it only took me like 2 years. First six months, of course, I spent just crying over it and weighing myself every evening expecting different results. After that I ate less – that did not help (probably because I woke up at night and ate everything I deprived myself of during the day). After that I started doing sports but ate normally. That was no help too. I ended up eating less and doing sports, both of which I deeply hated. I am happy to report that I now weigh 125 pounds (57 kilos) and am gaining all that weigh back because I am just a lazy mother*****.

So, these are the things, I would like everybody to know about me. And actually, very little people that know me in person actually know any of these stuff, so congratulations, dear Reader (I am assuming there will be only one), you now know me better than some of my closest friends. I realize that these things are not the real “hobbies and interests” but you’ll know those soon enough. I will definitely write about my deep passion for Harry Potter or my obsession with a ccapella singing or how much I just love funny sitcoms and would consider dating Roy from IT Crowd. Definitely will write about that.

See ya!